prada sunnies from ditto // burberry down coat, past season, similar here and here // lululemon leggings // joie sneakers, past season, similar here // neiman marcus tee // ysl bucket bag // necklace from elle boutique, similar here
i feel like this post has been a long time coming...yes the details are all above this but i want to explain some things and this is the perfect post to do it because cal always laughs when i wear tone on tone or "yeezy" outfits as he calls it.
being a blogger is HARD. like really hard. i don't just mean coming up with content, organizing content, or even finding the time to shoot and post it all with 3 kids 3 and under and a full time job... i mean emotionally VERY hard. for as long as i can remember i struggled with everything to do with the way i look. i never liked my thin hair, teeth, brown eyes, arms, legs, freckles, double chins, pale skin, wrinkles, weight, etc etc etc etc... i could literally go on all day about the things i don't like about myself. i struggled with SO MANY ISSUES growing up: eating disorders, self mutilating, depression, and anxiety. i went through phases were i took all kinds of drugs i should've never taken and would do anything to take the pain i felt away for myself. i was never confident and was always insecure. i constantly looked for men that would boost my confidence in myself. i knew only Jesus could fill the void and knew what the right and wrong things were to do...but it just didn't matter.
yesterday my mom had me come over to clean out my stuff from her attic (she's moving) and i found all my old journals, boxes of ex-boyfriend notes and memories, old artwork, and photos. it brought back a rush of feelings i hadn't felt in so long. so i guess thats why all this is fresh on my mind. in my old stuff was all my old baby dolls. i wasn't ever a barbie girl. i like animals and babies, preferably real ones. i used to beg my mom to take me to the baby consignment shop and let me get real gear and babies clothes for my dolls. i started babysitting at 11 and was DAMN GOOD, if i do say so myself. at 11 i was babysitting a 4 year old, 2 year old, and a 2 week old...plus i always made them mac and cheese AND cleaned the house. pretty sure i only charged $5 an hour... (wtf!!!! i need a $5 an hour babysitter that does all that now hahaha)i volunteered in the church nursery and always demanded it be in the newborn class, even though they said i was too young. i volunteered at childrens hospital too, mostly in the NICU! its funny looking back now i see how much God was preparing me for what would come. he definitely knows what he's doing ;) and the older i get the easier it is to trust His plan.
but back to my yeezy outfit. its still hard to fight the feelings of doubting myself, my looks, my weight, my face, etc. if a guy had told me my outfit looked like yeezy back in high school, i probably would've cried. I would've never let that middle photo be put up, because my coat makes my stomach look HUGE. i'm more able to shrug things off and laugh now. its so hard to make yourself vulnerable and put yourself out there to be judged as a blogger. i have gained 20 lbs since i quit pumping... TWENTY!!! and let me tell y'all something, if i hadn't started this blog back 20 lbs ago, you better believe it wouldn't have gotten started now. i realize i don't have one of those faces and bodies that just sells things because they look so dang good on me. i know thats not me. i won't even pretend to be that. BUT the rest of us regular people have to get dressed every day too ; ) so to those of you that like my posts, encourage me, comment, and even read my blog.... THANK YOU, from a very undeserving and unimpressive blogger.