i know child like faith is a thing…but have you ever thought about child like grace?
i realize its just wednesday, but my grace for the week is already slipping through my fingers. last week the kids had random fevers and sleepless nights for all of us. i went into this week tired. saturday we leave for the beach for a wedding i'm shooting, simms birthday is this friday, and his party is the day after we get home from the beach. i had a full week of shooting last week, shoots this past weekend and this week. i'm NOT complaining. i truly couldn't be more grateful for the work, but just explaining my current state of mind. on top of that, being the germophobe that i am…. i'm letting simms skip school this week so theres no chance of catching anything for our trip to the beach (yes i know i'm a freak) sooo go ahead and add on the extra time of simms being home instead of school.
if i'm being totally honest, i am very hot headed…maybe even explosive. i get mad really easily. the called my grandfather "hots" because of his temper and i may or may not have the same one. the only upside is that i also get over it really easily. theres been fights that cal and i have had where he is still digesting things days later and i have completely buried it and moved on. i don't mean i just swept it under the rug, i mean i am truly over it. i'm not one to hold grudges because once i've moved on past whatever i was mad about, i truly forget about it. my mom will bring up things exboyfriends or friends did to me years ago and i literally have no recollection of it. its totally bizarre.
but the anger is something i need to work on. i've known this, but yesterday it really hit home. i feel like who i let it out on the most now is the kids. with a laundry list of things to do while i am at home with the kids, i easily get mad when i am interrupted. yesterday was a doozie. i had a blog to finish, a shoot to edit, i wanted to watch the show nathan blogged about, a TON of laundry, i needed to finish ordering stuff for simms birthday party, clean up the downstairs, and cook dinner. the kids nap time is when i get 75% of my work done and when simms took only a 45 minute nap yesterday, i was mad. after he woke up, i contented to scramble to get things done leaving him to watch alvin and the chipmunks. i realized it was suddenly 4:30 and i needed to start making dinner. i rush to get dinner done in the middle of the twins waking up because i know cal will be home about 5:30. its complete chaos while i cook: kids putting toys in the microwave, simms pouring out the toy basket, the babies pouring their sippy cups all over the side table, etc etc etc. you get the picture. i get dinner done just at 5:30 and cal doesn't show up. vance refuses to eat it (as usual, he only eats like 6 foods), simms complains because it has carrots and broccoli in it, and my sweet ellis ate dinner with me.
about the time ellis and i are finishing, cal comes walking in and i'm like:
but really. i told cal i had to leave. i was tired of hearing simms bitch about not getting dessert like ellis and i did for eating good dinners. i was tired of vance crying for me to make something separate for him. i could go and and on and on... i was just TIRED and screamed that i had to leave or i was possibly going to burn the whole house down (i'm kidding…but you know how i feel moms!)
i left and went on a LONG walk to clear my head. i skipped ahead in my streams in the desert devotional and read what is now today's devotional
"blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed." john 20:29
started thinking about how many times in the day that simms responds to my anger with "i love you mommy" or "you are the bestest mommy!" or "you are such a nice mommy and you're always so sweet to me!" you guys, i am not exaggerating….he says this stuff to me every time he knows i'm mad.
at first i thought it was manipulative…but then i realized he didn't just say it when he was in trouble. it was also when i was upset about things ellis or vance had done. my sweet little, almost 3 year old, encouraging me and having grace on me and my horrible attitude. a little boy that knows so very little about such a forgiving and grace filled Father…offering me grace. i have been in sunday school and church since i took my first breath but i am now taking lessons from my two year old son. he doesn't know about grace like i should after all these years. he has barely lived long enough to know about God's mercy.
when i got home from my walk, cal told me that after i left simms was crying and said "well! i guess i just won't have a mommy anymore!" my heart literally broke into a million pieces. he thought after the way the had acted all day that they were so unforgiven by me that i left forever. yet he is ALWAYS immediately ready to forgive me with such kind words. i pray i never forget yesterday and the lessons Jesus so gracefully has taught me. today i am thankful for a forgiving God.